I've been on an inward journey for quite some time now. I suppose this is normal for anyone who undergoes a serious psychological/emotional trauma. It's probably not normal to take it to the levels I have but that's okay- I've never really been "normal"- and that has been a huge part of my journey. Over the past several months I have shifted my paradigm from narrowly looking at myself through the lens of more recent events to looking for patterns of behavior over the span of my life. It's been an interesting journey to say the least, and I have realized things about myself for the first time.
While sitting alone one night several months ago and consciously pondering how much time I have spent completely alone over the past year, I realized that when I was younger- before I was married- I spent a lot of time alone. I continued to ponder, all the way back to childhood, and realized ever since I was a small child I spent the majority of my time either alone or in the company of adults. An epiphany; why am I lamenting my current state of being when I have always been this way? Fascinated, my journey into my own psyche began.
Through the process I have come to understand why I am the way I am. Much of what has shaped my personality is learned behavior, albeit deeply ingrained. Regardless, those components all make sense now. It's nature versus nurture, and what I've figured out is mostly from the nurture end of the spectrum. The nature end of the spectrum has been more difficult to piece together since much of my genetic history is unknown. I know my mother is ADHD with likely co-morbid histrionic personality disorder. Based on the stories of her biological father- whom she never knew- he was possibly ADHD and was definitely a classic narcissist (per the psychological definition- not the pop culture one). Personality-wise, my mother and I are almost polar opposites. While I always thought it was my adoptive father and grandparents who influenced this- and no doubt they were major ports in many storms- it was only after reconnecting with my biological father at the age of 22 that I realized it was mostly genetics. We have many of the same interests, and I get my artistry, intellectual curiosity and philosophical/contemplative side from him. His mother was also an artist. I didn't have the pleasure of really knowing her before her passing late last year.
I factored all of this into my recent equations on my self-exploration but I still came up with a few major variables I could not reconcile. There are certain aspects of my personality that seemed to exist in a vacuum. Aside from being with people I know well, I am generally very quiet around people I don't know. I dislike the limelight and get uncomfortable when attention is centered on me. In a crowd I will fade into the background and study everyone and everything around me. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable with new people; I am open, friendly and genuinely interested in them, but I reveal little of myself. I hold my faith and beliefs close to me; they are a part of me. I usually don't discuss my spirituality unless specifically asked or in a proper context. And unlike others in my family, I discovered my faith on my own personal philosophical journey- not because that's what others believed and told me to do the same. It was by my own choice.
So where the hell did all that come from? It was the x factor, and I've been struggling to solve for x, until today. I haven't spoken to my biological father in a few months. I knew he was struggling with the loss of his mother and needed some time, but I wasn't going to let Father's Day go by without at least leaving him a message, so I called. He answered, and we talked for a while, mostly about his mother. The more he talked about her, the more puzzle pieces fell into place in my mind. As a visual thinker, my brain was making intangible connections in such rapid-fire succession it was overwhelming. I could feel the connection to her so strongly, the missing piece of the puzzle of my identity finally snapping into place. I just listened and silently cried.
The funny thing is, while I wish I had known her better I don't regret not knowing her, because now I know it's her blood and spirit coursing through me, and I carry her with me. I almost feel complete.
No comments:
Post a Comment